I'm giving it all in a moment

Dear friends,

Things will really get all dear diary up in here today I think.

I was very tired. The kind of tired where it seems like exaggeration. My head kept falling down towards my desk. I didn't fall asleep. I couldn't. I was at work. But I really wanted to turn off the monitor and close my eyes. Instead, I stared stupidly ahead, weaving slightly, eyes half-closed, until I could leave. When I got home, I ate dinner, drowsily touched J on the cheek, got up and went to bed. It was 8:30. I haven't gone to bed that early my entire life. Not even as a child. I'm just not a sleeper.

That was the first sign.

For some women finding out they are pregnant is this giant hip hop hooray type of moment. For me it was sheer abject terror. It was unexpected and I was unprepared. I thought about all the holiday drinks I consumed, all the jumping and running I'd been doing, the spinal meds I'd been poking into my stomach with a syringe and godknowswhatelse. I went to see my doctor and he looked at me with bemused, basset hound eyes. "You want this baby?" he asked. I started laughing nervously for what was probably too long. "Yes. Of course I do." And as soon as I said it, I knew it was true.

We were told we should wait the requisite three month period before telling people. "It might not take" was what we were told. I thought about the taking and not taking. I stopped running. Started walking (when I wasn't busy being ill) and stopped taking my medicine against my doctor's advice. No twenty year study on Humira, eh? No thanks, I'll pass on the needle action. Developed overnight superhero sense of smell, which is the crappiest superhero power imaginable. Started reading alarming books about fetal development that delineated everything that could possibly go wrong. Cried a lot. Laughed a lot too. It's just too ridiculous. I'm not a baby person, never have been.

Going out was unbearable, not only did I feel like shit but suddenly I was without the magical elixir that made it possible for me to talk to people and not hide in the shrubbery: alcohol. I found myself squirming through conversations that I could've previously handled with some well placed backslapping and arm punching. I discovered that most of my friends really only like to meet in bars. I rediscovered that more than half the people I know despise children. Very vocally and loudly. I thought about how often I heard these discussions in the past and shrugged uncomfortably. I didn't want any kids but who am I to judge another's joy? Now I listened and felt guilty. Like an intruder. An undercover breeder coming to bring more caterwauling infants into the world. I felt angry because what I really wanted was to be past the three month wait so I could scream out "I AM THE ENEMY AND I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE MY SPAWN PEES ON YOUR FLOOR AND PUKES PUREED BANANAS ON YOUR COUCH!"

Not really. C'mon, I got more class than that! The thing is I am ambivalent about most things. Except for one. I love the baby daddy. He is the best person I have ever known. If I can help out the world by bringing some more of him into it then I figure I'm not such a fuck up. Besides I am very excited about acquiring a brand new encyclopedia set and reading out loud about the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Because babies need to know about the ancient wonders of the world.

Anywho, as of today, we are finally past the three month mark and all our tests have come back with desired results. My family in Chile has been alerted prompting several hilarious phone calls from relatives who are appalled by my Spanish but overjoyed at the news. To those of you J and I couldn't tell in person this past week, we are sorry. Setting up these conversations is harder than you think, it's not like we were buying a car or taking a trip, an IM just wasn't going to cut it. Also, personal circumstances have been difficult. All those lay offs you keep hearing about? They're coming your way, best believe.

To those of you that were expecting wedding invites, you'll get them but not for a while. We need to find new jobs first. Perhaps in a year? Our nuptial BBQ will happen. We promise. We hope. Fingers crossed.

I continue to be terrified by the way. Things could still go wrong. The birthing books are scarier than the pregnancy books. BUT I'm less scared at the thought of being a mother and I never thought I'd get there. 2008 is definitely my sea change year. The future is here.

The Kick Inside/Kate Bush (mp3)

Ms Bush writes about ladies things.
Purchase The Sensual World by Kate Bush on Amazon Digital.

Love, D

* The Monkey thinks this is ridiculous, who needs actual Encyclopedias when you have the internets! Kinda takes away the magic a bit though, doesn't it?