with a little bit of uh uh & a little bit of uh uh

dear friends,

I don't have much time so I'll refrain from the links if that is alright with y'all. that's right. I said y'all.

things I forgot to pack for my florida vacation: binoculars (for dolphin, manatee & shark viewing), aqua socks (for stingray avoidance), fins (for fast sylph-like swimming).

not bad, not bad.

the name of this list is: songs I heard this weekend & what was going on when I heard them (OR try the grouper)

1. 99 problems/jay-z

I put this on in the plane with the hopes it would keep me up. no offense meant to hova's considerable skills as a raconteur but somewhere around the time the cop shows up to give him a hard racial profilin' time, I had fallen asleep, mouth slackly open, drooling sweetly; the works. the airplane blanket had to be torn from my angry somnbulent (sp?) hands.

as the man says, "hit me".

2. all you need is love/the beatles

fast forward to the wedding we were attending (the monkey's best friend from high school). dark clouds overhead, rainbow in the distance, vows that went unheard by me 'cause I am deaf. general sweetness. guys in baby blue hawaiian shirts. girls in summer ensembles with much cleavage. people running to the bar as the sky started to rumble. free drinks. oh boy. as I watched people taking their place at the reception, I thought to myself, isn't it nice when a song fits an occasion & it isn't we are family?

3. hot in herre/nelly

after thoroughly attacking the buffet & watching in awe & wonder as new friend z* stole the disposable cameras on all the tables & took pictures of his scrotum under the table, I managed to work my way over to the dance floor. when this song's big line about discarding your outfit came, all the tropical shirted groomsmen did just that. all I can say was that it was one of those visual moments that you DREAM would happen at a wedding you are attending. I turned around to find z throwing himself on the ground. was he felled by some virulent strain of dance disease? no. he was down there in order to take better pictures of what was going on under the skirts of some of the guests. I'm fairly confident that the bride & groom will never be able to play "match that crotch", so me & my vagina feel relatively safe.

while all of this was happening there was some overheard conversation about how bizarre it is to get down on it while your once-acned friends' parents sit at their tables & watch you as they sip their gin & tonics. I wondered if it would be better if they were on the dance floor getting down themselves. tough to say.

then they played we are family. no escape. no escape.

4. ain't it fun - rocket from the tombs

following contributor phil's lead regarding the covers project & going into a non-vacation tangent, I want to get on my soapbox & announce that I would like to sing ain't it fun in contributor george's great cover band project. to all you participating, please consider voting for it. I will kiss your baby, shake your hand & promise to lower your taxes. ok, I won't actually do those things (well, most of you have no infants to kiss that I know of...RUMOR!) but I will promise to scream my fool head off in a way that justifies this song's poetic & repugnant tale of miserable fucked-up-ness as told by a guy that no less than saint lester bangs eulogized**. queasy & self-disgusted narrator? I can relate.

4. (most of) abbey road - the beatles

people sang beatles songs on the beach in the dark. two stars in the sky that were equidistant from each other looked out the party like a pair of benevolent god eyes. I lay on the sand, practically buried in it in fact, thinking many things. will I pass out here & have to sleep on the beach? will I throw up? do I have the skills to dig a hole with my left hand that is at least one foot deep, vomit into it quietly & cover up my offense with very few people noticing? will the party be disbanded by some aggro security guards speeding around on golf carts? will the medley at the end of abbey road be sung & will it sound sweet because it is the sound of friends having a good time celebrating a great big turning point in someone's life OR because it is the beatles & they can be magic? how many showers will it take to get all this sand out of my hair? what on earth is a grouper? why haven't I ever heard of it? & when this music finally ends will someone say "ok, which album do we sing next?"...

no, yes (of course. geez.), yes, no, yes & yes, 3, some sort of fish, because if you are me it's hard to remember what fish are called if they are not featured in sushi, yes, yes, of course yes. always yes.

love, d

* names have been omitted to protect the very, very guilty.

** go find the invaluable psychotic reactions & carburator dung & look up peter laughner in the index. or if you're feeling lazy, talk to contributor jared.